What comes to mind when you imagine romantic relationships in Canada? What relational dynamics are commonly portrayed on your social media, tv shows, or in your friend group? Why is this the case?
For me, I imagine a relationship that is built upon faith, mutual respect, and freedom to be yourself. My upbringing shaped how I imagine relationships and what I pursue in them. My parents and grandparents have loving and committed monogamous relationships, and I have witnessed how safe, kind, and honouring relationships can be. On the other hand, culture has also shaped my understanding of relationships. Culture has portrayed relationships to be vastly diverse and individualistic, self-seeking even. Sometimes relationships are portrayed as committed and monogamous, other times it seems like it’s just about individual agency and freedom or non-committal sexual interactions. In general, there seems to be a desire to partner up – there is a perception of singleness as incomplete or deficient, especially for women. Mindy Kaling and the Duchess of Sussex discuss this phenomenon on the “The Stigma of Singleton” episode of the Archetypes podcast. Kaling describes the pressure she felt to find a partner and become a mother, and the waiting game she found herself in to be “chosen” by a man (The Duchess of Sussex). As a woman, Kaling shared the desperation that seeps in once your thirties come that your biological duty to reproduce is under threat, and one starts to question why no one has chosen her.
I wonder if our culture of compulsory monogamy underpins these feelings of desperation or incompleteness for women. On the All My Relations podcast, Dr. Kim Tallbear asserts that heteronormativity and compulsory monogamy are settler-imposed ways of relating to one another that permeates Canadian culture (Wilbur et al). Upon listening to Dr. Tallbear speak about heteronormativity, compulsory monogamy, and polyamory, I was confronted with what relational social structures are in place and who they benefit.
From my perspective, relationships seem to be whatever people want them to be. But, after listening to the All My Relations episode, I realize this perspective is privileged and oversimplified. I am a heterosexual woman who desires a monogamous relationship, or, in other words, I am part of the seemingly “majority” or “norm”. But how does it feel to fall outside of heteronormative structures?
Tallbear’s discussion of decolonizing sex offered me a space to wonder about the hierarchical structures of relationships and how they serve or dis-serve society. These structures serve many Canadians who are heterosexual that desire life-long commitment partnership and dis-serve those who “deviate” from this norm. Those in the Queer community, single, or in polyamorous relationships, are “othered” for deviating from the expected heterosexual and monogamous relationships that historically permeate Canadian lifestyles. However, Dr. Tallbear explains a different way of living. She describes “all my relations” as the reality of society being in a relationship with the land, one another, ourselves, spirituality, and non-human things (Wilbur et al). I think “all my relations” is a beautifully interconnected way of relating in this world and see this practice as a way of decolonizing my understanding of sexuality and relationships.
Works Cited:
The Duchess of Sussex. “The Stigma of Singleton with Mindy Kaling.” Archetypes. Archwell Media, Sept. 2022. Spotify.
Wilbur, Matika, Desi Small-Rodriguez, and Adrienne Keene. “Decolonizing Sex.” All My Relations. All My Relations, March 2019. Spotify.
Attributes:
GIF: https://giphy.com/explore/why-are-you-still-single